What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 02:51
She loved him until the end.
I was 9 years of age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I will be 64.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She married twice! .
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i lived it daily.
Corrupti corporis sit reprehenderit facilis nam.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She wouldn,t have been !
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Comes on , in middle age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
When she asked me how she looked .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She found it foreign!.
I was seconnd youngest,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My family never makes their pension either.
So, i spoilt her more .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was very sick at this time too.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So whats the point in blame.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot live in the past .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is soul school!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was scared of men, in general
We all went to grammer schools
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Would this be the day?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I said to her
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were not on the streets..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I have no regrets .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I don,t even have a pension.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them